Chandeliers and Long Roads

I am exactly 17 days away from the starting line of the Chicago marathon. This dream has been a long time coming; sparking from when my 19 year old self first laid eyes on the 45,000 runners barreling down LaSalle Street during my first magical autumn as a college student living in downtown Chicago. As with any long term goal, this one has come with lots of ups and downs.

Aside from my weekly "long run" with my trusty running bud, I spend my runs alone. For this extrovert, they can be quiet, and they can feel long and arduous. Today, my typical mid week 8 mile run was no different. I was really wanting to skip it altogether, but I gathered myself up enough to get down to the park and pound it out. Today I needed something different and a bit more energetic than my usual pandora station, so I turned it to a station called, "Today's Hits Radio." (I am SO with the times over here). As I ran, I couldn't help but be woken up to these words in a song called "Chandelier," by Sia.

I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist

But I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
On for tonight

Sun is up, I'm a mess
Gotta get out now, gotta run from this
Here comes the shame, here comes the shame

It was an upbeat and catchy song, for sure. But I just couldn't shake the hopelessness in it, so I switched the station to Indelible Grace. Let me tell you something. Indelible Grace is NOT one to typically pump my jog up. But, I just had to get away from that hopelessness. I had to get away from the girl denying that pain didn't exist when I knew at that very moment by the ache I felt that pain absolutely exists. I just had to get away from the girl that was shutting everyone and everything out for the night, only to wake up to all of the hurt and shame the next morning. 

The first song that played when I switched the station happened to be one of my favorite hymns, Abide With Me. 

1. Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
   The darkness deepens; Lord, with me abide;
   When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
   Help of the helpless, oh, abide with me.

I need Thy presence every passing hour;

What but Thy grace can foil the tempter’s pow’r?

Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?

Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

1. I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;
   Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness;
   Where is death’s sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
   I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.
2. Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
   Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies;
   Heav’n’s morning breaks, and earth’s vain shadows flee;
   In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.
3. Who would have ever thought these two songs belonged back to back? I couldn't help thinking about the stark contrast. I mean, it is one thing to know that the world looks at life and hardship and joy different than a Christ follower. But it is another thing to hear these two world views so starkly expressed in the course of 6 minutes. I couldn't help but think of these two views in light of my then sweaty, tired state. 
4. When you are deep into a run, a lot of things go through your head. There are the small, mile by mile victories. There are the straightaway stretches, where you feel like you just might conquer the world. There are the water breaks, where you feel as if you could continue on without much mustering. There is the dreaming of the donut or Sonic strawberry limeade you might consume when you are finished.  But then, there is that dang, never-ending gradual uphill climb on Forsyth into Clayton. There is your toe that throbs with every step, because the nail is taking its sweet ole' time to detach from the nail bed. There is the quiet, when no one really knows, nor cares that you have been running for a ridiculous amount of time. There is the combined stench of sweat and the dust collecting on your face and neck from the gravel path. There are ups and there are downs. And there are a lot of moments where you are somewhere in between. 
5. Life is the juxtaposition between the joys and hardships. And it is what we do with that tension that both of these songs answer. The first one flees it. She runs to the ceiling, as far away as she can get from her troubles. She drowns it in the medicine to soften the blow. She finds a trite happiness, only to be hurled onto the waves at morning's dawn. The second song sits right there in the middle of the mess. When our Savior abides, he is with, alongside, among, and in the pain and the joy. He settles in with us. He stays for the haul; he doesn't just show up for the party.  Ignoring the incline does not bring the knee joints peace. Bandaids do not bring the the calloused toes peace. Peace, for a believer in Christ, comes through the presence of our Friend every passing hour, despite the changes in the rhythm of joys and trials. 
6. So what about the uphills?                                                           Abide with me.
7. What about the burst of energy?                                                  Abide with me.
8. What about the thirst?                                                                Abide with me.
9. What about the quench?                                                              Abide with me.
10. What about all the waiting and longing for the finish line?            Abide with me.     

1. 
   
2. Sometimes when I run, I become keenly aware of my breathing. In and out, my lungs grab the air and expel it, reminding me of my humanness. At any moment, my heart could stop squeezing the blood, or my lungs might not retrieve the oxygen. The rhythm could stop. But today, I am on the journey. Today I face the human suffering of sore muscles and achey bones, and the joys of fall colors, a warm home, and healthy children. All of it is real. All of it deserves to be encountered. The beauty of the Abider is that He is willing to intersect all of it; the joys through our thankfulness and the grace of His giving hands, and the trials through our neediness and His faithfulness to see us in and through them. 

A couple years back, I sang Abide With Me at my grandmother's burial. It was a small, quiet Kentucky ceremony, and my hands were so cold in the winter air that I could barely hold my guitar chords. But, as I sang, I pictured her life. I pictured her running after her four children, going about the day to day. I pictured her in the kitchen making the best biscuits ever. I could remember her harshness and yet the light in her eyes that drew people to her. All of it. After her 80+ year race, it came down to the Abider. It came down to the one who loved her in her sin, died to save her from the resulting punishment, and then lived alongside her, delighting in her. He abided in the hard and lonely times; he abided in the crowded, happy times. His faithfulness would be the stamp on her life. His settled- in- presence would be the mark of her life in that cold, windy tent on the day of her burial. He shattered the chandeliers for the joys of seeing her all the way Home.

I cannot finish the race with a synthetic escape of the moment. But, I can indeed finish the race when I settle deep into the steady pain, calling for comfort, and when I find rooted delight in the faithfulness of the One who gives the next breath and pulse.

Let us not run to the chandeliers, but long for the Presence in the long, winding race ahead of us.

1.