A Weak Place

My pastor just posted this quote on his wall.

"The 'valley of the shadow of death' is as much God's right path for us as the 'green pastures' which lie beside the 'quiet waters.'" -phillip keller

I'll be completely honest. I'm having trouble believing it. I know I should believe it. I know that I would tell someone else to believe it. But still, I struggle.

This morning I took Ellie to the doctor. Let me just give a little back story. About three weeks ago, Ellie came down with what I called "goopy eyes." She got an eye culture, and it came back that she had a form of staph in her eyes. So, the doc gave me some drops to clear it up. It did. No big deal. Well, she then got it again a few days after her last day on the drops. So, we got some more drops. They were different this time. And again, they cleared it up. Yesterday she got a stuffy nose, cough, and more goop in her eye. I decided to go back to the doc.

Meanwhile, the doc had also requested that she see a pediatric physical therapist. Long story short: she is having trouble extending her neck (to both turn and tilt) her head to the left. She has some sort of muscle that is shorter and tighter in her neck. So, we did that on Wednesday. Got some exercises. I felt good about it. No biggie, right?

So today we go, and the doc says that the problem with her watery eyes is her tear ducts. They will be "prone to infection" because they are smaller than normal. He says that she doesn't have staph anymore...just watery eyes and a cold. Okay. I can deal.

Still nothing too big for me to deal with.

Then he brings up that the physical therapist noticed Ellie's thumbs. I probably haven't told you about Ellie's thumbs. They are the very first thing I noticed when they laid her on my chest after she was born. They look like they are placed too high on her hand, almost as high up as a finger would be. I thought she had pinkies for thumbs when I first saw her. But, she grasps stuff pretty well and uses them in an "opposable" manner to her fingers. So, we weren't too concerned about it.

My doctor told me today that Ellie has something called "hypolasia of the thumbs." He called hers a very "mild" case, meaning that her thumbs could be a lot higher, or that her bones could even be misshapen, but that they aren't. He said that a lot of times babies born with this have similar trouble with their toes. Ellie doesn't. He also said sometimes the formation of the thumb can affect how the arm bones have formed. Ellie's arm bones are perfect. Seems okay, right? I thought so.

Then he said he would like Ellie to go to Louisville to see a pediatric orthepedic doctor AND a genetic doctor. Oh, and he would also like me to go to the hospital to get her thumbs X-rayed. At this point, I am not sure I can deal.

He said that this hypolasia often needs genetic testing, because it can signal other problems in the body, such as problems with the kidneys, red blood cells, cardiovascular system, skeletal system, and immune system (he didn't tell me all of these problems...I looked them up in an orthopedic book). I probably shouldn't have, but I was curious.

Guys, I've been a mess. Ellie has seen (or will see) 4 specialists already, and she is just 4 months old today. I don't get it. I don't understand why my baby isn't perfect. I compare her to other babies constantly. It's killing me. I know it doesn't have to.

I tell myself and others that she is really God's child, and that he loves her more than I do, but I have the hardest time believing it.

Right now we are faced with an opportunity. We can worry, worry, worry about the future, or we can honestly and truly place this in God's hands. I told a friend today that normally when I have a problem, I can just run to a friend, and talking about it makes it "better" (mind you, I am always running away from God when I do this). This scenario is not like that. There are SO many unknowns. So many answers that we will not have immediately or even close to immediately. We have x rays, blood tests, genetic tests...all before we will know anything.

I feel like I am being gutted like a fish. Like, normally my sin is dealt with in a much less dramatic way. I can tuck it away. I actually don't really even have to deal with it. And to be honest, I like it that way. But when your baby's health is at risk, a new monster rears its head. My sin runs SO deep. The core of my being- my desires, my hopes, my idols, my expectations, my control is being rawly exposed. All the while, I am kicking and screaming like a child who isn't getting her way.

I find my mind jumping a thousand miles away to how she will maybe have trouble with her immune system one day, or will have surgery on her hands, or will have kidney problems. This is in no way where my mind should be right now.

I am honestly so weak right now. God is calling me to himself in a way I have never experienced. He is allowing what I hold closest: my own child's health and the well-being of our family to be taken out of my firm grasp. I thought we had a "hold" on the heart "issues." We might not. I thought she was on the "up and up." She might not be. I thought I had "regained" my own government of my home, and that I wouldn't have to wait nervously for two hours at countless more doctors appointments. I will.

What a fallacy I have believed! I have sought to regain "control" and for things to "settle down." When will I learn that the God who loves Ellie more than anything is doing all of this (in some incredibly mysterious way) for our good and his glory?! He doesn't always just settle things down so we can feel like everything is right again. Sometimes He lets the pot remain stirred.

That's me. I'm stirring away.

Pray for my unbelieving heart. Pray for my baby to be healed. Or better yet, pray that her little thumbs are NOT the result of a genetic disorder at all! This could totally be the case!

I could (and have) gone on and on.

I need the support and prayer of dear friends more than ever. We are in a weak place. We need the Lord's hand upon us. Please pray on our behalf when you think of us.

She Has it All Together

I would have hoped that in my three years as a barista at Starbucks, I would have made some sort of an impact for Jesus. I would have hoped that those I mingled with time and time again in that tiny corridor behind the counter would have seen something...something. That those that didn't have any knowledge, or had misunderstandings of His character, would have been brought some clarity by my life.

I would have hoped.

The other day I was talking with a friend that I still keep up with from Starbucks. She is a follower of Christ. She told me that she and another co-worker of mine were talking about me the other day. The other co-worker really knows very little truth of Christ at all. I still have a good relationship with both women.

My believing friend told me that this other woman was sharing some of her struggles in her marriage, and that her counselor told her she should "try church" as a way of dealing with her problems. Somehow I came up in conversation, as a person she should talk to. The way she responded to this suggestion has seriously shaken me to the bone since I heard it.

She said, " I would, but Whitney just seems to have it all together. She doesn't have problems in her marriage, and her life is perfect. She probably couldn't relate" (Something to that effect. Again, I wasn't there.)

I have chills. What. Have. I. Done.? How have I let a woman think that I am perfect? How have I let her think that my husband is perfect? How have I, the worst of sinners, led her to believe that it is ME that sustains my "goodness?" Why doesn't she know that I have been plucked out by the gracious hand of God, and that any morsel of good is from him? Why doesn't she know that I CAN relate to trials, suffering, and yucky, ugly sin in my marriage? Why?

This, I believe, is one of the hugest injustices that we as Christians have done to our co-workers and neighbors. We have led them to believe that being a follower of Christ means tucking all your "yuck" away, or really, it means having none at all. Worse yet, we have taught them to believe that the gospel is about US! Where is the gracious character of God in this representation? You guessed it...nowhere to be found. This is not the gospel!!

How will this woman ever enter the doors of a church if she feels she needs to leave her sin at the door? (Mark 2:17, Matthew 19:12, and Luke 5:31 tell us that he has NOT come for the healthy, but the sick)

He has COME FOR HER and she doesn't know!

This terror of a realization has obviously caused a LOT of introspection in my life.
In small group we are reading excerpts from the great Christian authors in ages past. Last night it was an excerpt from C.S. Lewis', Mere Christianity. Wow. My oh my did he nail this concept.

He says, "For what we are trying to do is remain what we call "ourselves" to keep personal happiness as our great aim in life, and yet at the same time be "good." We are all trying to let our mind and heart go their own way--centered on money or pleasure or ambition-- and hoping, in spite of this, to behave honestly and chastely and humbly."

His response to this is this: "The Christian way is different: harder, and easier....Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked--the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself."

I was clearly not walking around like I had been given a new self. I was walking around like I gave myself a new self.

I feel cracked and broken. But, I feel thankful. Thankful to know that I cannot live life anymore letting others equate Christ's character with my "moral self."

I was praying about this this morning, and my first "solution" to this problem was to "find a balance" between showing people my brokenness and showing them how Christ has changed me. Do you know why I want to "find a balance?" It's because I don't want people to know how sinful I am.

This is crap. A "balance" is the biggest load of crap we can give to people.

We need to be filled with the Spirit in such a way that people see HIM. Nothing contrived. No fake morality. They see HIM. This will come from our hearts truly believing that he really can represent himself.

Lord, please represent yourself in me and through me. I am tired of pretending. Tired of acting like I haven't been given everything, but that I really do "have it all together."

I am weary of this conquest. I am weary of its results. I DO NOT have it all together.

But even that statement is beside the point. She doesn't even need to hear that from me. She will SEE that when I let her see that Christ does indeed have it all together.

Is it too late to proclaim this message? Praise Jesus that it isn't.

Pizza Hut

Okay. I'll say it.

Ben and I LOVE Pizza Hut's pan pizza. We think it's part nostalgia, because clearly we have experienced the finest of what Chicago pizzerias have to offer us (which is a LOT). However, there is just something about the way pizza hut's crust is both crispy and soft. It's a poor man's pizza dream. And with all of these new commercials and $10.00 specials, pizza hut has become a part of our conversation again.

So, we got to thinking. Could we replicate a pizza hut pan pizza?

The answer is yes. Yes we can, and yes we did.

We found this recipe online, and tried it tonight. It literally has a profound amount of oil, so if you can't handle it I understand. But, you've just got to tell yourself that you've eaten this much oil every OTHER time you've had pizza hut. Why not now, even when you're aware of it? :)

Please, please try this when you don't have money to go out on a date night. (Or even when you do.) We are LOVING this tonight. Just LOOK at how much ours looks like the real deal!

Recipe:

Ingredients:
1 1/3 cup Warm water (105F)
1/4 cup Non-fat dry milk
1/2 teaspoon Salt
4 cups Flour
1 tablespoon Sugar
1 pk. Dry yeast
2 tablespoons Vegetable oil (for dough)
9 ounces Vegetable oil (3 oz. per pan)
Butter flavored Pam
***Sauce: ***
1 (8 Ounce) Can Tomato Sauce
1 teaspoon Dry Oregano
1/2 teaspoon Marjoram
1/2 teaspoon Dry Basil
1/2 teaspoon Garlic salt

Directions:

Put yeast, sugar, salt, and dry milk in a large (2 qt.) bowl. Add water and stir to mix well. Allow to sit for two minutes. Add oil and stir again. Add flour and stir until dough forms and flour is absorbed. Turn out on to a flat surface and knead for about 10 minutes. Divide dough into three balls. In three 9" cake pans, put 3 Oz. of oil in each making sure it is spread evenly. Using a rolling pin, roll out each dough ball to about a 9" circle. Place in cake pans. Spray the outer edge of dough with Pam. Cover with a plate. Place in warm area and allow to rise for 1 to 1 1/2 hours.

Sauce:

Combine ingredients and let sit for 1 hour.

For Each Nine Inch Pizza: 1. Preheat oven to 475F 2. Spoon 1/3 cup sauce on dough and spread to within 1" of edge. 3. Distribute 1 1/2 Oz. shredded mozzarella cheese on sauce. 4. Place toppings of your choice in this order: Pepperoni or Ham Vegetables Meats (cooked ground sausage or beef) 5. Top with 3 Oz. mozzarella cheese 6. Cook until cheese is bubbling and outer crust is brown.

My Daughter

Warning: Sentimental Post Coming Your Way
It is beginning to hit me that Adelle Grace is my daughter. I know that sounds silly, since I had nine months to let this soak in, and three more to let it REALLY settle. However, it is just now happening. She is the one who will come running up to me with tears in her eyes when she scrapes her knee. She is the one who will undoubtedly talk back to me (if she's anything like I was with my poor mother). She is the one who will probably bottle up her emotions until they come spilling out one night when she feels like she hasn't a friend in the world but her mom (this too comes from experience...7th grade sucked, people). She is the one my husband will walk down the aisle (it'll probably be only the second time I'll ever see the man cry).

She is the one. She is my daughter.

Adelle has been taking on a new personality of her own these days. This, in part, is why I think it's all hitting me now. I'm realizing that she is so much more than a little bundle of flesh for me to worry about. She is a little girl, a woman, a wife, a mom, a sister. I am so blessed to be her mom for a time. A friend of mine (hey Rach!) writes letters to her baby girl as a memory of what was going on a the time. I must say I've been inspired. This letter will someday be for Ellie's eyes, but for now, it will serve as a way of you all knowing how she's growing and changing!

Bugaboo,
We call you bugga, boo boo, buggaboosie, and ellie g. these days. I wouldn't have chosen these names in a million years, but they have just flowed from my lips. It's just who you are. And I am terribly sorry. :)

You were 13 lbs, 15 oz. today at your cardiology appointment. 25 inches long. you were so patient with the nurses as they poked and prodded you, and put those little sticky heart monitor tabs all over your chubby tummy. You "helped" the technician with your echo ultrasound by grabbing the stick as she moved it over your heart. Already my little helper. And praise God that 2 of your 3 holes have CLOSED!!!

You've been becoming quite the chatty Cathy these days...always something to say (or yell...mostly yell). You love it when people pay attention to you; even if it means just sitting and "talking." You LOVE your changing table. It is basically your favorite place. Oh, and you love being naked and taking baths. You give me a sly smile when I give you baths, like you are dreaming of the mischief you will get into when you take baths when you're a toddler.

I have had many nights where I despairingly wished you were "like other babies" who slept through the night at 8 weeks. You're not. You're feisty. You fight sleep like the plague. And I like you just the way you are. You just don't want to miss out on all the action! You've been like this since day one. Lately, though, you've been sleeping longer stretches. I am waiting for the day you will "sleep through the night," but I don't want to long after it anymore. You are God's gift, and someday I will pine away for the nights I got to hold you and comfort you.

Lately you've been "playing" in your crib by yourself so mommy can get an extra half hour of sleep in the mornings. Thank you. It is bliss. Thank you for enjoying your plastic keys and plush duck lovey so much. I'm much more sane for it.

Most babies get the whole "stranger complex" much later, but you already show signs of it. You often burst out crying with a poochy lip when a "stranger" tries to hold you. You even cried buckets the other day when you watched me walk out the door... Just burst out crying like you were in pain. I can tell your cries from one another now. It feels good to be loved and missed. I just didn't expect it from you this young. :)

You suck your hands like there is marshmallow goo all over them. Are you teething already? You looove those hands, baby girl.

While I am sure there is so much more I could say, I want you to know how very thankful I am for what we have and will have for the next 18 years while you're stuck with us. I am blessed, because you are mine. You are Adelle. I can't wait to know this little personality that is all bottled up inside you.

Bring it on, girl.

Bring it.

Love, Mama