It is not very often anymore that I get to sit and reflect about much of anything. Carefree, three hour coffee dates with friends are a thing of the past. The collegiate season of life where I could have been found hashing out relationship situations, Scripture, or could reflect thoroughly on my motives, aspirations, and shortcomings is just totally a thing of the past.
As a mama, free time is such a precious commodity. While I used to delve deeply into my motives in any given circumstance, I now live life responding; reacting to decisions I've hastily made, cleaning up the inevitable torrents of spilled milk (oh, the toddler years), and staying above water in general. Knowing all of this, I wish I could say that I spend most of my free moments feeding on God's word for my bread and water. I don't. Usually in my free moments, I'm trying to keep up with my Etsy shop, sweep my floors, or can be found scoping out the internet for "mindless" activities in a grasp for "rest." I run in a cycle. After about 5 days of pining away for control in any other way but through Jesus, I am thirsty for truth again. I have exhausted my other resources, I have become a monster of a wife (no, seriously), and I can finally be found in God's word in a last ditch effort for something to keep me ticking.
I do not bemoan my circumstances. I love being a mom. I love my bold, tenacious, and not-always-so-adaptable Ellie girl. I am just reconciling what life looks like now. And while life looks this way--so, so different, I want to declare that Jesus is showing himself in new ways to me. My former coffee dates, while a BEAUTIFUL season of growth, were not always what I remember them to be. In reality, they were frankly often self-centered. They were often not grounded in reality ( I mean really, WHO has three hours of consecutive free time in real life?!). They were often feeding the arrogance of knowledge and esteem over and above the tenderness of love and compassion. They were often the mere passing of time because I was too insecure to be alone in the silence of my dorm room.
Now, life looks different. Dear friends are in Florida, Illinois, Maryland, California, Africa, Uruguay, and England. The days can be long and lonely. The days can be monotonous. But, I want you all to know that Jesus still reigns in this tangled life I am living.
The other day, in one of my attempts at remembering why I keep going, the Lord was gracious to me. I opened Psalm 73, and read the story of my life. The psalmist begins with talking about
his envy of the wicked; how life seems so easy for them. I can relate. My daddy told me the other day that becoming a Christian is the easiest thing--accepting Christ's work on your behalf. Living the Christian life is the hardest--remembering and believing Christ's work on your behalf in the throes of everyday life. The psalmist gets to the good stuff in verse 17, after a bit of a tirade of jealousy of the unbeliever. He says,
"Until I came into the sanctuary of God; Then I perceived their end."
It was only at the moment when he turned from his jealous arrogance, and inquired of the Lord's presence, that he finally saw the ultimate defeat of the wicked. This life is all they have. They have full bellies, but hopeless futures. It may seem as if I am going on a tangent from the original topic of this blog. My point in bringing this passage up is not to talk about my jealousy of the wicked (although I have my days), but rather to point out God's mercy to those that "come into the sanctuary of God." I try everything else--but when I finally do come to God, he is merciful in his response. He peels back the blinders of my heart. He envelopes me in rest.
I am a mom. I need God's sanctuary of wisdom and truth and rest now more than ever more. He has used friends, accountability groups, and mentors in past seasons. Not in this season. In this season, he is using both the tempests and the mundane of life to draw me ever nearer to his side--even if it takes 5 days, 5 weeks, or 5 months to get me back to him. He is always gracious when I get there; when his drawing me has finally gotten under my skin.
The psalmist finishes up beautifully in verses 21-24. This is the prayer of my life.
"When my heart was embittered and I was pierced within, Then I was senseless and ignorant, I was like a beast before you (he is describing me perfectly!), Nevertheless, I am continually with you, You have taken hold of my right hand, With your counsel you will guide me, And afterward receive me to glory."
This describes the paradox I live in--ever wandering from his side, yet ever near to him by the blood of Jesus. I praise God for this season of life, if I can even call it that. I think this "season" will describe most of the rest of life. Trials, fears, dishes, laundry, victories, rest, unrest, rest. It only makes me long for the glory of the new heavens and new earth, when I won't face the tug-o-war of how to spend my time when Ellie naps. It will always be Jesus. Jesus will fill my time--and I'll always WANT him to fill my time. Ohhh what a glorious day it will be!
(read through verse 28 on your own--good stuff!)
1 comment:
Beautiful, friend. And convicting. I love you.
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