A Weak Place

My pastor just posted this quote on his wall.

"The 'valley of the shadow of death' is as much God's right path for us as the 'green pastures' which lie beside the 'quiet waters.'" -phillip keller

I'll be completely honest. I'm having trouble believing it. I know I should believe it. I know that I would tell someone else to believe it. But still, I struggle.

This morning I took Ellie to the doctor. Let me just give a little back story. About three weeks ago, Ellie came down with what I called "goopy eyes." She got an eye culture, and it came back that she had a form of staph in her eyes. So, the doc gave me some drops to clear it up. It did. No big deal. Well, she then got it again a few days after her last day on the drops. So, we got some more drops. They were different this time. And again, they cleared it up. Yesterday she got a stuffy nose, cough, and more goop in her eye. I decided to go back to the doc.

Meanwhile, the doc had also requested that she see a pediatric physical therapist. Long story short: she is having trouble extending her neck (to both turn and tilt) her head to the left. She has some sort of muscle that is shorter and tighter in her neck. So, we did that on Wednesday. Got some exercises. I felt good about it. No biggie, right?

So today we go, and the doc says that the problem with her watery eyes is her tear ducts. They will be "prone to infection" because they are smaller than normal. He says that she doesn't have staph anymore...just watery eyes and a cold. Okay. I can deal.

Still nothing too big for me to deal with.

Then he brings up that the physical therapist noticed Ellie's thumbs. I probably haven't told you about Ellie's thumbs. They are the very first thing I noticed when they laid her on my chest after she was born. They look like they are placed too high on her hand, almost as high up as a finger would be. I thought she had pinkies for thumbs when I first saw her. But, she grasps stuff pretty well and uses them in an "opposable" manner to her fingers. So, we weren't too concerned about it.

My doctor told me today that Ellie has something called "hypolasia of the thumbs." He called hers a very "mild" case, meaning that her thumbs could be a lot higher, or that her bones could even be misshapen, but that they aren't. He said that a lot of times babies born with this have similar trouble with their toes. Ellie doesn't. He also said sometimes the formation of the thumb can affect how the arm bones have formed. Ellie's arm bones are perfect. Seems okay, right? I thought so.

Then he said he would like Ellie to go to Louisville to see a pediatric orthepedic doctor AND a genetic doctor. Oh, and he would also like me to go to the hospital to get her thumbs X-rayed. At this point, I am not sure I can deal.

He said that this hypolasia often needs genetic testing, because it can signal other problems in the body, such as problems with the kidneys, red blood cells, cardiovascular system, skeletal system, and immune system (he didn't tell me all of these problems...I looked them up in an orthopedic book). I probably shouldn't have, but I was curious.

Guys, I've been a mess. Ellie has seen (or will see) 4 specialists already, and she is just 4 months old today. I don't get it. I don't understand why my baby isn't perfect. I compare her to other babies constantly. It's killing me. I know it doesn't have to.

I tell myself and others that she is really God's child, and that he loves her more than I do, but I have the hardest time believing it.

Right now we are faced with an opportunity. We can worry, worry, worry about the future, or we can honestly and truly place this in God's hands. I told a friend today that normally when I have a problem, I can just run to a friend, and talking about it makes it "better" (mind you, I am always running away from God when I do this). This scenario is not like that. There are SO many unknowns. So many answers that we will not have immediately or even close to immediately. We have x rays, blood tests, genetic tests...all before we will know anything.

I feel like I am being gutted like a fish. Like, normally my sin is dealt with in a much less dramatic way. I can tuck it away. I actually don't really even have to deal with it. And to be honest, I like it that way. But when your baby's health is at risk, a new monster rears its head. My sin runs SO deep. The core of my being- my desires, my hopes, my idols, my expectations, my control is being rawly exposed. All the while, I am kicking and screaming like a child who isn't getting her way.

I find my mind jumping a thousand miles away to how she will maybe have trouble with her immune system one day, or will have surgery on her hands, or will have kidney problems. This is in no way where my mind should be right now.

I am honestly so weak right now. God is calling me to himself in a way I have never experienced. He is allowing what I hold closest: my own child's health and the well-being of our family to be taken out of my firm grasp. I thought we had a "hold" on the heart "issues." We might not. I thought she was on the "up and up." She might not be. I thought I had "regained" my own government of my home, and that I wouldn't have to wait nervously for two hours at countless more doctors appointments. I will.

What a fallacy I have believed! I have sought to regain "control" and for things to "settle down." When will I learn that the God who loves Ellie more than anything is doing all of this (in some incredibly mysterious way) for our good and his glory?! He doesn't always just settle things down so we can feel like everything is right again. Sometimes He lets the pot remain stirred.

That's me. I'm stirring away.

Pray for my unbelieving heart. Pray for my baby to be healed. Or better yet, pray that her little thumbs are NOT the result of a genetic disorder at all! This could totally be the case!

I could (and have) gone on and on.

I need the support and prayer of dear friends more than ever. We are in a weak place. We need the Lord's hand upon us. Please pray on our behalf when you think of us.