Yesterday was supposed to be a relaxing Sunday with my sweet husband. For the most part it was. We enjoyed each other's company and worked a bit on organizing the house in preparation for Ellie. We even made scrambled eggs-- a luxury when I'm usually out of the house at 4:53 every morning.
But I had a breaking point. It was more than just your typical hormonal pregnancy breakdown, although I would have liked to chalk it up to that. It was weeks of built-up sin coming to a head. I was installing batteries into Ellie's bouncer seat, realizing that I had put it together all wrong in the first place, and attempting to unscrew screws and re-do what I had already spent a long time working on. I started feeling really hot, my butt was getting sore from sitting criss-cross applesauce for too long, and my ankles were as big as an elephant. I started crying, and telling Ben, "I am so frustrated that my body won't go at the pace it normally can. I am tired of being so swollen even after a "lazy" day around the house. And what if Ellie comes now and I won't be ready? The floors are so dusty and her car seat needs to be cleaned (it was a garage sale find)."
He quietly tried to calm me down, and said, "Whitney, even if she comes in an hour, she will have everything she needs." Those words did little to console me in that moment, because I was SO lost in my frustration and anxiety.
The Lord has been gentle with me this morning. He gave me a quiet morning to reflect on these anxieties. What exactly are they? Why do I have them? He showed me. I'll tell you briefly what I've been giving my worries and days to lately:
1.)I have been spending hours on my online vintage shop--a fun hobby yes, but a potentially destructive path to losing my identity in Christ. I set it up originally to make some extra money since I won't be working as much. But in actuality, it sometimes becomes the outlet for all of my fear that the Lord is not going to provide for us financially. When I wake up in the morning and don't have a new "sale," I am filled with a sense of loss of accomplishment and feelings that I don't have the gifting to help provide for our family from our home.
2.) I have been lost in a flurry of wanting our home to be perfect for Ellie. Really, perfect for me and my own desire for control. I spend hours frantically cleaning, organizing, and thinking about how its never good enough. There is always more dust on my baseboards and crumbs to be swept in the kitchen. And now we have ants in our pantry. This is WAY more devastating to me than it should be.
3.) I spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself...for how I don't have friends or how I will be so sad raising Ellie so far from family. I am once again not trusting in the God who so clearly brought us to this little Kentucky town for a purpose much greater than mine.
4.) I have spent money and time making a new cd, because I want people to hear me. I want them to know I exist and hurt and have it together, all at the same time.
I could go on an on with my list of "Whitney" kingdoms. I've been spending all of my time building them. This morning they all let me down.
But I have a good, good God who has spoken softly to me today, in perhaps the only tone I have the strength to endure "For whom the Lord loves He reproves, Even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights." -Proverbs 3:12
How beautiful of Him to speak to me in language I understand more these days than I ever have! As much as I love Ellie already, He delights in me THAT MUCH MORE! And he corrects me because of his DELIGHT...not because of his resentment. I am encouraged.
I am challenged. I am delighted in.
Praise the Lord for redeeming mornings like this one. And prayers that today will be the day that all my kingdoms, anxieties, and fears crumble.
2 comments:
Whit, I'm so glad that you shared this and I'm even more glad that the Lord had that special time with you this morning. :) I think its a really great thing that we both recently started up these blogs because they help us to know how each other is doing and how to pray better. Oh, how I relate to this blog post (minus the pregnant aspect). I know anxiety/worry is something that we've been lifting up to the Lord since High School and so this verse is coming to mind for encouragement in our progress- "He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Phil 1:6.
I love you and know that He is going to give you everything you need to be a wonderful mommy!
Thank you for your honesty. I found myself shaking my head "yes" in feeling some of those same feelings (in preparation for Timothy and even presently). Recently after expressing the feeling of being overwhelmed with trying to "do it all," a friend gently reminded me of this, "make sure you don't let the stress of trying to be superwoman take away from these precious memories."
I'm thankful for how the Lord is meeting you, and I pray that he would continue to remind you of his love and provision in the days ahead. :)
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