Draw Me Nearer

Yesterday, my friend told me that it had officially been one year that she and her husband had been trying to conceive a child, and yet they have still not seen fruit of their hopes. Every month, they wait for the egg, and every month, they see: “not pregnant.”

 Today, one of my best friends sits in the intensive care unit, watching the mother of her youth skate very close to death. She waits; sings over her mother, words of hymns that she herself is having trouble believing. Her mother lifts one eyebrow every time her daughter starts to sing a new song, and with it, lifts a grain of hope in her daughter’s weak and angry heart.

 A mother sits in silence at home, waiting for her husband to return after a long day. Her children run circles around her, draining every inch of life from her. The world is a blur of monotony; a black hole of the same. Her living room curtains blow in the new spring air, but yet they are prison bars to her.

 Suffering. It comes in every imaginable way. From the cumbersome tasks that come along with being a mom to young kids; lifting the weight of your 23 pound ten month old way too many times in a day, until there is a knot in your back so deep, all the way to the sufferings of losing a mother too soon, or waiting on a baby that may never come. Suffering is pervasive. It is every day, everywhere; bleeding into every pore. Suffering is inevitable.

 I fight it. I push against suffering in every way. Don’t we all?

  That next night’s sleep will finally bring the rest I need. A back massage will ease the pain. If I can just find a dang minute to sit and watch my show, I will find the peace I need! If we could just get away from the kids for a few days to re-set…if you would just eat gluten free, your health wouldn’t be a problem…if you get on the right medicine, you will finally conceive, if, if, if….

 There is a reason we spend 99.99% of our time fighting suffering. It is because, deep down, we know it shouldn’t be. Deep down, we know that suffering was not the true intended way of created beings. It is counter- creation. It is marred. It feels all wrong. It is all wrong.

When God created this world and all that it holds, he called it very good (Gen 1:31). Then, suffering burst forth with a vengeance the very minute mankind decided that we wanted to be our own ruler. But the beauty among the ashes of this dismal truth is that, in Christ, we were not left there. In fact, the very punishment of our rebellion, namely suffering, is what Christ would use to make a way for us. Suffering would be the chosen avenue of Christ to relate with us, live with us, and die like us. It is fitting, then, that in Christ’s astounding and immeasurable grace, suffering would be our avenue to walk in communion with God, even though it was once what divided us from Him. In the face of weakness and pain, Christ would bestow grace and power.

 In 2 Corinthians 12: 7-10, Paul says,
 “I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

 I have read this verse hundreds of times in my life as a Christian. “Yada, yada, yada… suffering…God is with me in suffering..blah blah.” But recently, I have been wrecked by this concept. The more I grow up, the more suffering unveils all around me. It has always been there, but now I see it in every crevice and corner. And as my faith grows, I am learning that pushing against suffering is often pushing away the avenue of God’s grace toward me. I feel that there are two ways that I see myself doing this. I sometimes supress suffering, by telling myself that it isn't a big deal, or someone else has it worse. In contrast, sometimes I don't let God walk alongside in my suffering, because I try to fix it myself. I find a million different avenues that are completely other than that of Christ's relational, understanding, go-before me presence. In doing both of these things, I rob my Father of the gift of loving on me. I miss out on the moments of letting Him sing truth over me while I angrily clank dishes in my kitchen sink. It is often a statement that I make, that I don’t need Him, or His abiding, comforting presence. Pushing back against suffering says that I would rather be cold and strong than weak and needy in my loving Father’s arms.

 We can’t reverse, or even really diminish the sufferings all around us. We can’t afford to hire a nanny, personal trainer, masseuse, and chef so that we can achieve pristine physical wellness (this sounds extremely trite, but it is just what we do when we push towards pampering, rest, and protection as a means to avoid suffering). We can’t take away that 4 year old’s leukemia, or offer holistic comfort to her mother by bringing her a basket of fruit. We can’t offer the homeless woman that stands on the Page Ave. exit an endless income that will reverse all of her emotional, physical, and financial travails.

 So we suffer. We ourselves suffer, and we suffer with others. We don’t push back. We enter in. We press into Jesus, the Sufferer. We may plead his grace to take it away, or we may simply plead the grace of His presence. But we plead with him, exchange with Him, engage Him. We claim His power over the suffering. We tell it to our friends when they don’t believe it. We pray it over the stranger on the street.

 And all the while, we see the face of God.

 I end with words from this timeless hymn (by Frances J. Crosby), that speak this truth so aptly. Being drawn to the Lord is being drawn toward the beauty of His suffering, and to His victory over suffering. It is a place of hope like none other.

  Draw Me Nearer, Blessed Lord
I am Thine, O Lord, I have heard Thy voice, and it told Thy love to me; But I long to rise in the arms of faith, and be closer drawn to Thee. Refrain: Draw me nearer, nearer blessed Lord, To the cross where Thou hast died; Draw me nearer, nearer, nearer blessed Lord, To Thy precious, bleeding side.

Some Wednesday Thoughts from a Frazzled Mom Who Thought it was Tuesday and Almost Wrote "Some Tuesday Thoughts" for this Blog Entry

It is not very often anymore that I get to sit and reflect about much of anything. Carefree, three hour coffee dates with friends are a thing of the past. The collegiate season of life where I could have been found hashing out relationship situations, Scripture, or could reflect thoroughly on my motives, aspirations, and shortcomings is just totally a thing of the past.

As a mama, free time is such a precious commodity. While I used to delve deeply into my motives in any given circumstance, I now live life responding; reacting to decisions I've hastily made, cleaning up the inevitable torrents of spilled milk (oh, the toddler years), and staying above water in general. Knowing all of this, I wish I could say that I spend most of my free moments feeding on God's word for my bread and water. I don't. Usually in my free moments, I'm trying to keep up with my Etsy shop, sweep my floors, or can be found scoping out the internet for "mindless" activities in a grasp for "rest." I run in a cycle. After about 5 days of pining away for control in any other way but through Jesus, I am thirsty for truth again. I have exhausted my other resources, I have become a monster of a wife (no, seriously), and I can finally be found in God's word in a last ditch effort for something to keep me ticking.

I do not bemoan my circumstances. I love being a mom. I love my bold, tenacious, and not-always-so-adaptable Ellie girl. I am just reconciling what life looks like now. And while life looks this way--so, so different, I want to declare that Jesus is showing himself in new ways to me. My former coffee dates, while a BEAUTIFUL season of growth, were not always what I remember them to be. In reality, they were frankly often self-centered. They were often not grounded in reality ( I mean really, WHO has three hours of consecutive free time in real life?!). They were often feeding the arrogance of knowledge and esteem over and above the tenderness of love and compassion. They were often the mere passing of time because I was too insecure to be alone in the silence of my dorm room.

Now, life looks different. Dear friends are in Florida, Illinois, Maryland, California, Africa, Uruguay, and England. The days can be long and lonely. The days can be monotonous. But, I want you all to know that Jesus still reigns in this tangled life I am living.

The other day, in one of my attempts at remembering why I keep going, the Lord was gracious to me. I opened Psalm 73, and read the story of my life. The psalmist begins with talking about

his envy of the wicked; how life seems so easy for them. I can relate. My daddy told me the other day that becoming a Christian is the easiest thing--accepting Christ's work on your behalf. Living the Christian life is the hardest--remembering and believing Christ's work on your behalf in the throes of everyday life. The psalmist gets to the good stuff in verse 17, after a bit of a tirade of jealousy of the unbeliever. He says,

"Until I came into the sanctuary of God; Then I perceived their end."

It was only at the moment when he turned from his jealous arrogance, and inquired of the Lord's presence, that he finally saw the ultimate defeat of the wicked. This life is all they have. They have full bellies, but hopeless futures. It may seem as if I am going on a tangent from the original topic of this blog. My point in bringing this passage up is not to talk about my jealousy of the wicked (although I have my days), but rather to point out God's mercy to those that "come into the sanctuary of God." I try everything else--but when I finally do come to God, he is merciful in his response. He peels back the blinders of my heart. He envelopes me in rest.

I am a mom. I need God's sanctuary of wisdom and truth and rest now more than ever more. He has used friends, accountability groups, and mentors in past seasons. Not in this season. In this season, he is using both the tempests and the mundane of life to draw me ever nearer to his side--even if it takes 5 days, 5 weeks, or 5 months to get me back to him. He is always gracious when I get there; when his drawing me has finally gotten under my skin.

The psalmist finishes up beautifully in verses 21-24. This is the prayer of my life.

"When my heart was embittered and I was pierced within, Then I was senseless and ignorant, I was like a beast before you (he is describing me perfectly!), Nevertheless, I am continually with you, You have taken hold of my right hand, With your counsel you will guide me, And afterward receive me to glory."

This describes the paradox I live in--ever wandering from his side, yet ever near to him by the blood of Jesus. I praise God for this season of life, if I can even call it that. I think this "season" will describe most of the rest of life. Trials, fears, dishes, laundry, victories, rest, unrest, rest. It only makes me long for the glory of the new heavens and new earth, when I won't face the tug-o-war of how to spend my time when Ellie naps. It will always be Jesus. Jesus will fill my time--and I'll always WANT him to fill my time. Ohhh what a glorious day it will be!

(read through verse 28 on your own--good stuff!)

Fall Pictures!

So, I really wanted to get some fall snapshots of my sweet baby and family. I thought about it super last minute, so we couldn't get any of my photog friends out to the orchard to take them! Oh well. I still think we got some sweet little shots! Such a pretty day today too! Not much fall weather around here though...more of an ongoing Indian summer. I'm not complaining. When February rolls around, I will be dying for days like these! Enjoy!

The Best Pancakes

We found them, thank goodness.

I stumbled upon this recipe a few weeks ago, and Ben and I have stopped looking for a pancake recipe to call our own. Here it is!

1/2 cup all purpose flour
1/2 cup whole wheat flour
1/4 cup flaxseed meal
1 1/2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 1/4 cups buttermilk ( I have just been using regular milk and adding a TBSP or 2 of lemon juice)
1/4 cup pure maple syrup
1 egg

Mix the dry ingredients together, the wet ingredients together...then all together. Butta your pan and sizzle away. You can add walnuts, nutmeg, or cinnamon to spruce them up for the season.

You can thank me later! :)

Health Update

Hey! Just wanted to give you guys an update on ellie's health progress. We went to Vanderbilt last month for a Genetics specialist to see the little gal. We had a full genetic counseling session to determine possible causes of her health issues. Then we met with Dr. Morgan, her pediatric genetic specialist. I am so thankful that she is in his good hands.

Dr. Morgan did indeed conclude that ellie has a genetic disorder. He did not confirm what it was, but sent her in to get blood work done, looking for a specific disorder, Holt Oram syndrome. This is a hand-heart syndrome. Patients with this genetic disorder always have a hand malformation, along with a septal defect in their heart, both of which ellie has. This makes the most sense for her. The doctor said that the test could come back negative, but that if it did, it would only mean he would look for what else it could be. So basically, she has something, and we just need to figure out what it is. He took a look at both of our hands, and since we have no visible malformations, said she probably did not inherit it from us, but rather through a gene mutation. This happens frequently in this disorder, he said.

I feel okay about this news. I feel like knowing something at all is so much better than knowing nothing, and having nothing make sense. If ellie has Holt-Oram, she will function normally mentally, and her physical disabilities will be limited to her hand problems (but her upcoming surgery (ies) should dramatically help her hand function.) She could also inherit electrical problems with her heart, such as fibrillation problems. Having this disorder will mean she will see a cardiologist regularly for EKG's for the rest of her life to make sure her heart is functioning properly. (This would not be a cardiovascular heart problem, but an electrical problem...has something to do with how the signals fire to regulate it). Her worse case scenario would be that she could have a pace-maker. This would also mean that she would have a 50% chance of passing this on to her children. This piece makes me the saddest, because it will affect her life the most dramatically. I hate to think about her having to make decisions based on this possibility...but I suppose that is a pre-mature worry.

Dr. Morgan reassured us that, if she does have Holt-Oram, and since we know about it so soon, it will be manageable throughout her life. Technology is such that, should she need them, heart medications and ekg's will regulate any potentially life threatening problem. Also, detailed sonograms are already available to be able to detect heart problems and hand malformations in the womb. So, when and if she does have a baby someday, they can know and have the correct specialists on hand if the baby inherits holt oram. And since this technology is already available, I am in good spirits that even better technology will be around in 20- 25 years! :) This is all such beautiful news to my ears!

We should be finding out the blood test results in a couple of weeks. If she tests positive, Ben and I will be tested for Holt-Oram. Obviously, if we did pass it along, we too will have a 50% chance of passing it along to future babies. We are not too worried about this prospect at this time, though. We will re-visit Vanderbilt after this to address the next steps. Most likely, it will involve a referral to a cardiologist, and the continuation of seeing her hand specialist in Louisville. Ellie will see the hand specialist this month to determine when her first surgery. Please pray for this, as I am the most anxious about her surgeries and recovery right now.

I feel like so many of my friends have unknowns in their lives about their children's health. This just points me to lean on Jesus, because nothing is ever certain, and our bodies and those of our children are SO fragile. I pray that I will hold ellie out to my Lord with open palms, saying "Lord, your will be done mightily in her life."

Oh This Poor Sad Blog

Sweet summer time girl.



Well, for those of you that wait to see what I'll post every 3 months, here I am again! I wanted to write a little update about Ellie's health, for those of you that don't know or haven't heard. She WILL have hand surgery at the end of October/ beginning of November. We saw a hand specialist in Louisville, and really came out of the meeting with a confidence that this was the right choice for our daughter. We are excited to see how this will change her motor skills! Right now she has trouble with the pincer grasp, and definitely with grasping larger objects. She has to use two hands to pick up a lot of things. Without this surgery, she would never be able to hold a can of soda, or grasp a steering wheel correctly. The consultation with her surgeon really made us realize how critical our hands are, and while this problem isn't affecting her life so much now, it will later. This surgery will widen the web space between her index finger and thumb. The doctor said her recovery should be about two weeks, and she probably won't even need pain meds! Let's hope!

Here is how you can still be praying! The doc said that after the surgery, he will monitor how she learns or "re-learns" to use her hands. If she is unable to break some of the bad habits she has been developing (using improper muscles and joints to move her thumbs to compensate for the abnormality), then he will need to do further surgery. This might involve a muscle graft to build strength in her hands. So. This could be one surgery on both hands, or multiple. It depends on how she adapts. Please pray that she bounces back and is able to use her thumbs opposably to grasp objects after one surgery.

Additionally, this Thursday we will FINALLY be able to see a genetecist at Vanderbilt. I will keep you updated, but please pray that this is not the result of a genetic problem. If it is, it will mean regular testing of other body systems (kidneys, thyroid, etc) throughout her life. The poor thing will already probably be in therapy 'til she's five for just her hands. I just don't wish ANYTHING else on her. So, please pray for my sweet little girl this week if you could. Also, our pediatrician will see her tomorrow, so I'm just praying we don't get sent to any other specialists! Sometimes "boring" is better!

Ellie's First Easter

It was a rainy day for the most part, but my friend Paige was able to capture these during a few of the sunshin-ey moments. So thankful for a Savior who came to complete our salvation! Praying that someday Ellie will know and believe this truth! Look at her eyes in this next one! Sly smile with eyes to the left...she makes expressions JUST like Ben!
Ben and I aren't super cute- I'm rockin' the crooked smile...when I'm really happy, I always have a crooked smile. Ben is not smiling his real smile. He rarely ever can for pictures. He doesn't like to be forced to do anything. :) But hey, Ellie is the main event anyway!

Happy Easter...a bit late!